Here's my thinspiration...

Laaame, I know, but his devastatingly beautiful face makes me feel like I'm not good enough for someone as perfect as him. Hahahah. Laughable, no?

More to follow in the form of a BULIMIC UPDATE!! Argh... Hellhellhell. Pure misery.

You learn a new thing every day.

And today I learned that I need to chew my food more.

The fourth purging session in four days, and I managed to get bits of my dinner back up, which I ate almost five hours before purging. I had a baked sweet potato, and the bits that came up (the skin, mostly) were pretty big chunks. I throw up in the sink (I find it waaay less gross) and I had to pick the chunks out of the plug hole and put them down the loo. There was one piece that was about the size of two 50 pence pieces. Eww. Oh, and cheese is so gross to purge. It goes really soft and ends up all stuck around the roof of your mouth. Ugh.

I know, I know. I should really stop doing this. But I have no self control, and I just have mini-binges on various fridge stuffs. But today was potato salad freeeee!! Yahay! The mini-binge today consisted of actually a very small amout; about three-four tablespoons of branston pickle, a tablespoon of cheddar cheese, and about a third of a teaspoon of nutella.

Today I also had a bit of food at work. I had a tablespoon of pork, a tablespoon of carrots, two fairly big pieces of broccoli, two stuffing balls, two really small roast potatoes, and a drizzle of gravy. It all adds up, my dears. : (

Dinner today was half a large sweet potato, baked in its skin. I had it with half a can of tuna chunks (the kind soaked in brine, not sunflower oil) and some salad cream and vinegar. After that, I had a mug of options hot chocolate again. Today I had the chocolate orange kind. YUMMMM!!! I really mean that. Options hot chocolate is the best thing ever. I really do reccomend it; it makes a great dessert kind of thing. Instead of having something like ice cream or cake or biscuits after a meal, you could have an options hot chocolate. They are under 40 calories per serving! And they come in their own little pouches, so you can't go over board with how much you put into your mug. And it tastes unbelievably good. Very chocolatey.

Other things today include: The crust of a piece of brown bread, two and a half coffees with sugar, half a decaf coffee with sweetner (most of which would have gotten purged), a peppermint tea, and a sneaky spoon of apple sauce. I'm working again tomorrow, and because I get up and leave the house early I don't really get hungry before I leave. And there isn't any time at work for breakfast, appart from breaktime at 10:30. But this is when I have coffee, and it's easy to resist the food that I'm offered (there is leftover porridge, toast and bread). The next time that I have the opportunity to eat is when the lunches have all been served up. I usually say no to them; I will say no tomorrow. Urmmm I get home at about 2:15, and I'll probably grab a coffee then. If my mum asks what I want for tea, I'll tell her that I had loads of toast and spare lunch at work and don't feel like much for tea, so I'll just get some cup-a-soup, Bless my mum, she bought me some boxes of cup-a-soup... The tomato and veg one, the beef and tomato one, and the chicken one. The lowest calorie kind of those three is the beef and tomato, which has ninety-something calories. The other two have between 100 and 110 cals. I feel so guilty for not eating them... She got me some apples too. I probably won't eat those, either. Hmmh... So if all goes well tomorrow, it will be a 200 calorie day! Morning coffee-5 breaktime coffee-18 lunchtime coffee-18 coffee when I get home-5 soup-98 peppermint tea-0 hot chocolate-37 decaf coffee-5 =186 calories. Fingers crossed! And I don't want to purge tomorrow. My throat it aching and stinging, and my teeth feel weird, and my jaw feels really odd.

Anyhowww. Up at 6:30 again tomorrow, so I'm off now.

You can tell me how vile I already know that I am.

I've made myself sick three days in a row. How did I get here? Damn potato salad... If that wasn't there, I could've held myself together. Look at me, blaming the bloody food... I should be blaming myself, blaming my lack of self-control.

So, loads of branston pickle and loads of nutella chocolate spread (which is the work of the gods, btw), and also two thirds of a pot of salsa dip. Neither the branston nor the dip tasted so good in reverse. And the branston and the chocolate spread are my mums, so she's gonna notice that they've gone down. But I can talk my way out of the lack of branston. Apparently, I got really peckish while she was out, so I had a few ryvitas with some branston. I even fabricated evidence. There is no excuse yet for the nutella... But I don't think she eats it that often, so it should be a while 'til she finds out. The pot was hidden at the back of the condiments cupboard though, behind all the spices, so I think she was trying to hide it... Meh, peckishness and ryvitas will be my excuse for that, also. Mhmm. What else... Yeah; a few spoons of potato salad, a spoon of strawberry jam, a tiny bit of golden syrup, some milk, two tortilla chips, sultanas, and a small handfull of sugar puffs. I know it's not like a propper binge, like stuffing myself with biscuits and ice cream and so on an so forth, but I see it as a binge. I'm supposed to be staying under 500cals at the moment, and I'd do it easily if I didn't keep doing this. This stops now. Please.

In other news; I'm on my second cup of peppermint tea of the evening. I'm really bloated and, er, gassy as of late, and I'm hoping that it'll help a bit. Sereously, I'm so bloated I look pregnant. No joke! And peppermint tea is also supposed to help with bad breath, so hopefully my puke breath won't be as bad...

I'm going through too much chewing gum, as well. In the last couple of weeks I've managed to go through about...ninety pieces of wrigley's sugar free...? About ninety-ish... Possibly more than that, actually. But it stops me binging. So it's good. And it's fairly low calorie. And all that chewing has gotta burn one or two calories back off, right? : S

My throat feels sooo horrid... It feels like there's something stuck in there... Ewww.

I'm really tired. Woke up at six thirty today, ready for work. Six thirty again tomorrow morning, and the morning after that, which will be monday. I was planning on taking laxatives monday night ready for tuesday, and then also a few more on tuesday night for wednesday. But I'm on a food hygeine course for work on tuesday afternoon. Grr. So it's going to have to be weds and thurs dosed up on lax. Fingers crossed I don't get called in to work on those days : S

Sleep now. It's ten pm. If I go to sleep now, I'll get eight and a half hours sleep. NOT ENOUGH!! I need loads of sleep to function well. And I doubt that I'll get even eight hours tonight. Maybe about seven? :' (

I want to be thin. I want to have that kind of control. It's the only thing I have that I have a chance at.

Complicaaateeed!

Lolz. Lavigne's on the radio. I used to be so into her.

Anyway - No kettle : ( Argos was sold out of the cheapy-cheap less-than-a-fiver fall-appart-as-soon-as-you-get-it-out-of-the-box kettles, so I have to survive 'til atleast monday with the kettle downstairs.

I did, however, get decaf coffee. Haven't tried it yet, will do just now. I also got some salsa dip...YUMMY!!! I really can't resist the powers of the salsa dip... And at 29 cals per 100g, who can complain?! I plan on filling up on celery and cucumber dipped in salsa over the weekend. Possibly a ryvita or two with salsa spread, too. I have work this weekend, so I can tell my mum I ate there. Simples : )

Buuuhuhuhuuut, I got some options hot chocolate powder in tesco's, too : / But it's hot chocolate as opposed to drinking chocolate, which is better. Drinking chocolate is made up with hot milk, hot chocolate is made up with hot water. So that's better. And I got the options stuff. It was a pound for five sachets, under 40 cals per sachet. Which is a few miles better than 200-odd cals for drinking choc and hot milk!! I may treat myself to one of those tonight... Have a try of it : )

Ermmm what else, what else...Oh yeah, another potato salad binge this morning. Followed by a mock-penguin biscuit dipped in coffee. Those biscuits have 180 cals EACH!! And I reckon about 150-200 cals worth of potato salad...Ewwy. I brought it back up. Tasted miles better without so much coffee. Nothing else since then, appart from 2 coffees and a salsa binge : P But the coffees had sweetner instead of sugar, phew! Urmmm... So yeah, the plan for tea is decaf coffee and 2 ryvitas with strawberry jam (37 cals per tablespoon) which will be about 100cals. Then after a shower tonight I will try this hot choc stoof! I've just gotta avoid the kitchen... A tricky task... : /

I can taste coffee on my lips... I hope decaf does it for me... I had huuuge coffee cravings at about eleven last night... So I'm hoping decaf coffee is going to help me out a bit with this.

Ouchy...I've had a headache since tuesday. It's now friday. Friday! It hurts... I took two paracetamol about four hours ago, which made it disappear for a while. But I can feel it creeping back : (

Anyway, I'm out! Coffee and ryvitas are a-calling. <3>

...to gain a little self control.

Blarg.

Do you know how many cereal bars I ate last night?


Me neither!! I lost count!! It was like, about five I think. Soooo not good. It's better than eating five chocolate bars though, or five ice creams. But still, I just kept eating bar after bar after bar... I must have gone over 2000 yesterday. Eurgh, I disgust myself!!


The plan for today was as follows;
B - Coffee & rice cake (30-odd)
L - Coffee & rice cake
D - Whatever mother makes, half eaten, half chewed and spat.

Which would have made me about 500-ish cals today.

But nooo, of course not. This is me we are talking about!
B - Potato salad & marmalade & honey & sugar puffs & 1/2 a coffee & 2 rows of caramel dairy milk & cereal bar. Argh!
L - Nothing
D - 2 slices white toast with margarine & 2/3 a tin of beans % cheese.

I did have a good purge after the breakfast lot which made me feel better. I seem to be able to get chocolate up pretty well. But I'm so effed off that I ate all that today. I think that, with the purge, I had about 600 cals today. And I'm craving cereal bars. Well, actually, I'm craving toast and biscuits and chocolate and ice cream, and cheese and crisps and everything else baaad... Chewing gum is the only thing keeping the food out of my mouth.

Tomorrow, I'm off to argos to buy myself a kettle for my bedroom. Sounds funny, actually... But I hate having to go downstairs and be around my step-dad, even for the five minutes it takes to boil a kettle. And not boiling the kettle means I am coffee-less! I only had half a coffee today... :' ( But I will get a kettle tomorrow. Kinda exciting!! ...And that's how little I have in my life... I'm excited about a kettle... And I'm going to get some decaf instant coffee too. I'm craving coffee so bad at the moment, but having some now isn't a good idea, seeing as it's getting on for 11pm! So, decaf will be the answer to my problem!

Once my kettle gets settled in, I may get a microwave. And a sink. And a loo. Then I'll never have to leave my room again!! Joking, of course. I stop at the kettle.

Take me away.

Issues at 'home' still going on. But it's not my home any more, just a pile of bricks and fading memories. I just want to get out of this dump and start over, just me and my mum. I wish she'd just hug me...

Size ten jeans? I think so. Hah. I don't look or feel size ten. I think these jeans have the wrong label in them.

Does swine flu make you eat like a pig? If so, I have it. Oinkers. I just keep eating and eating and eating. This evening mum made a jacket potato, and I ate that with a whole tin of tuna and a tonne of cheese, and even when I felt stuffed after that I had some dorito's and a hot chocolate (the kind with milk, not water). FATTY!! And I haven't been exercising recently because I just feel so drained... I think I've gained a few pounds this week... : ( Means I'm going to have to work extra hard for a few weeks now to catch up with where I should be.

I so desperately need to be thin. Hmmf.

Oh, and work are making me wear this rediculous uniform. A fucking dress. That makes me look retarded. The hemline is about five inches below my knees. I mean, come on!! I hate this job. It makes me want to cry so bad. Everything is making me want to cry so bad. Sounds pathetic and wimpy, but I just want my mum. I just want her to cuddle me.

It's the end of the world as we know it--

And I don't feel fine.

So, the family issues saga continues, and the 'rents are splitting. Means I have to leave the home I have lived in for the last twelve and a half years. But it's not a home any more - it's now only a place where I just happen to sleep and keep all my stuff. To be honest, I'm looking forward to starting over. It's not the way I would have chosen to start over, but I guess I should make the most of it... I'm just really not looking forward to packing up my room... I have alot of stuff. I haven't a clue how I'm going to box it all up. But moving is a while away yet; we have to sell this heap of bricks and mortar first. Which will be fun with the current economic situation... : /

In other news - I started my new job today. I'm a kitchen assistant in a retirement home, which means I'm around food all day... But I don't get a chance to eat any of it, so that's okay. But I did get offered toast and biscuits today, which I happily declined. But they loaded me up with coffee. So today - coffe with sweetner(7), rice cake(27), soup-in-a-mug(43), cereal bar(88), 2xcoffee with sugar(30) - which adds up to 195. You can also add a few thousand pieces of sugarfree gum into the equation, too. I don't know how many calories are in gum... Not many, right? But I was on my feet for about six hours today, so a few calories burned? I had to wear trousers for this job, and I'm too poor/cheap to buy a new pair, so I wore the pair of trousers that I bought about three years ago for school. Back then, they fit rather well. They weren't tight, but i didn't need a belt to hold them up. I put them on thismorning and my god are they big! I swear I didn't know I'd lost that many inches... I didn't think I'd changed much in size at all. I mean, I knew my jeans were looser, but I didn't realise they were that loose. So yeah, now I have to fork out for new trousers. And I should get some new jeans, too. Mine are beginning to look silly on me... I'm itching to go on a trying on session all around town. I'm going to try on fuckloads of jeans and trousers! Hah, I really can't wait... I have so little in my life that trying on work trousers brings me happiness.

Haven't weighed myself in a few days. The scales didn't seem to go down the last few times I was on them, so I'm really nervous of stepping back onto them incase they still haven't moved. And my mum still keeps bringing up my apparent major weight loss at every opportunity. I mean, if people think I'm looking thin now compared to how I used to look, then I must have been a fucking whale!! I mean, I'm still pretty big now. Like I said, I'm not even a UK size ten yet. I wobble loads.

Sooo... Off to bed, I think. Work at eight in the morning tomorrow... Uuugh. I'll have to get up at like, seven... : ( Coffeecoffeecoffee. And a rice cake. And a multivit. And a slap with a wet fish? Maybe not the fish... OOOmg the cook made fish for the residents today, and it smelled sooo fucking good. I love the smell of fish, bigtime. You all might think I'm weird, but that smell makes my mouth water like crazy. But just talking about it is making me crave it... So off to bed for me, only about eight hours 'til I have to wake up : (

Ain't got no fight left...

Issues with family...

It brings out all the emotion in me that I never knew I had. I cried loads this evening. I got so angry that I cut and did angry exercise.

All this stuff makes me want to eat even less. It makes me want to loseloselose and be so skinny that people don't recognise me, that I disappear.

My mum keeps saying how worried she is about my quick weight-loss. I've only lost about a stone since I started restricting, it's not even noticable. Sure, I've gone up a belt notch, but I'm not a skeleton yet. She said she's worried I'll lose more. I'm not even a size ten yet, I have bags of weight to lose before I can stop. If I can stop. Right now, I never what to stop.

I hate things being this way. I hate feeling like this. I know it makes my appetite disappear, but I hate seeing my mum cry, and I hate that I've had to give up my future for her. But I had to give it up, I couldn't leave her on her own...

God, I'm such a fatty. Today has been: Rice cake (27), coffee with sweetner (7), soup-in-a-mug (43), coffee with sugar (15), cereal bar (88) - which adds up to 180. But my mum made some couscous, and I had to eat a few mouth fulls infront of her to show her that I was eating something, so that's tipped me over to about 250/300. Darn.

Hmm...I'm blogging because I can't sleep. I had next to no energy all day, and all the emotion expended this evening has zapped whatever energy remained. I'm nackered, but I can't sleep. And I have to get up at 7:50 tomorrow morning. Doesn't sound early, but I've been sleeping 'til about 10ish and getting up at midday for the last three months. So 7:50 is early as fuck.

There'll be more tears tomorrow, I know it.

: (

Do I divide and fall apart?

Jeez, I haven't even been out of bed for twelve hours, and today already seems like the longest day ever...

Family issues flying everywhere at the moment... Really getting me down... But the plus side is it has made me lose my appetite! Today I had a coffee and a rice cake for breakfast, and half way through I had to stp because I felt so sick... And I felt sick constantly for the rest of the day. I had another coffee this afternoon (which means not much sleep will be had tonight), and apart from that, nothing else. Coffee thismorning had sweetner, coffee this afternoon had sugar (because my mum made it). Sooo the grand total for today is - drum roll please - 45!! 45 cals today, and I still feel like I'm gonna hurl. I may have one or two pieces of gum tonight, so the total may go up a bit. And the family disturbances have sereously kicked my ana into top gear... And it's also bought on mia... Which I know ain't good, but I just had to. I had to get the crap that I ate yesterday out of me.

I can safely say the best diet aid is a dysfunctional family. Works wonders.

Note to self: Never, ever blink again.

Ugh.


This day has been...demanding.


My friend called me thismorning in tears. She's so unhappy. She's so far away and all I want to do is hold on to her and see her smile. I miss her so much it hurts...


And I decided to go to the place where he works. I thought that if I could see him again, if I knew he was still breathing, then I could get over him. I saw him. He was standing two feet in front of me. He looked right through me. It hurt so much. I had to go and sit down for fear of passing out. I was hyperventilating, my sight went fuzzy, my thoughts were all over the place... He looked through me. He looked through me. Now, every time I close my eyes, I see his face. I don't know whats worse; not knowing if he's okay and not seeing his face, or knowing he's alive and alright, and having his beautiful face etched into my eyelids... Pain, pain, pain... I got home at about two o'clock and I felt like I couldn't eat...I felt so sick. But I did have a 43 cal soup. Then I curled up in a ball and tried to hold myself together.


Uuuugh. I don't even want to go into the third thing, it makes me so angry. So fucking angry. Maybe another day... because this tale has a long back-story.


Food, food, food... Today was back to restricting. I don't like the emotional mess that fasting turns me in to. So, breakfast was a rice cake (27) and a coffee with sweetner (6), lunch was chicken noodle soup-in-a-mug (43) and tea was a special k cereal bar (88). And many pieces of gum, also... So, I reckon under 200 today? That's the plan for as long as I can hold it up and avoid prepared meals from the 'rents. Weekends are tricky... Saturday means a trip to the grandparents house, deep-fried chips-a-plenty. Sunday is a roast dinner. But my Dad is away this weekend, so there's a possibility I can avoid the roast... And I might claim I'm not hungry on saturday. Although, that was my excuse last saturday... Eek. Illness? I'll go with that. I feel pretty ill today.


All I need to do now is find a way to sleep with my eyes open...

PS. He is so devastatingly beautiful and amazing. How could I possibly match that? No wonder he cut me out...

This is the price you pay for loss of control...

Ate too much. Couldn't purge.

ExerciseExerciseExercise.

Take me and break me, and make me strong like you.

So I said I'd write everything down on here...So I should get on with writing everything that happened yesterday and today.

Yesterday was day two of a three day fast, and I just felt so crappy all day. I weighed myself in the morning, and I hadn't lost a single pound since the last time I weighed in, which was sunday morning. But on the plus side, I managed to fit into a t-shirt that I brought on my holiday to Florida two and a half years ago. That t-shirt stopped fitting me pretty much the second I stepped off of the plane when I got home to England. In the afternoon I just had to get out of the house. So I went for a walk back down to the park, and with every step I took I was fighting tears. I don't even really know why I wanted to cry. But I managed to hold on to myself, atleast while I was in view of other people. When I got home I just collapsed on to my bed and I felt like I couldn't move. My Mother came up to tell me that my Step-Dad was making an Indian buffet for the next night (which is tonight), and as soon as she went back downstairs I was in floods. I just kept crying and crying, and the feeling of panic was exploding out of my chest. I realised that I actually couldn't face having to put some fatty disgusting food into my body. I never wanted to ever again. I kept crying on and off all evening. And believe me when I say that I hardly cry. I think the last time I cried like that was a year and a half ago. I mean, I well up abit when I'm watching a sad movie and I'm all hormonal at the time of the month, but I very rarely get into such a state that I can't hold the tears back. And once you get upset about one thing, you get upset about everything and you just break down and lose your grip on reality. For the rest of the evening the panicky feeling wouldn;t go away, and I had urge ofter urge to cut cut cut, but I resisted. I was proud of myself for that. After I was all cried out, I couldn't get myself off to sleep. As I lay there, absolutely wrecked and limp from the terrible emotional day, I started feeling really ill. I felt nauseous, weak, sick... But I knew that I couldn't actually be sick, because I hadn't eaten in over thirty hours by that time. So I just had to lay there, feeling so bad that I honestly felt like I was dying (it seems over-dramatic now, but I've never actually been on deaths door, so feeling like that really scared me). I guess I finally fell asleep, and as you probably would have guessed by now, I didn't die! One of the first things that passed through my head thismorning was the thought that Ana has finally sunk her claws into me. There is no way of getting out of this now, even if I wanted to. I'm in this for good. All the while thinking of that, I still felt immensely ill. I couldn't even find the strength to get out of bed for some coffee. I just had to lie there for hours 'til I could finally move. I wobbled down the stairs, and at that time, with that feeling, I thought it a good idea to have a mini break from my fast. I had a small glass of orange juice, a pickled onion, a small bite of chicken, and a carrot stick. Weird choices, I know. I got my coffee then, and went back to bed. An hour later though, I was feeling a lot better. I felt like I could actually muster the energy to get up and get dressed. I knew I had to do something to work off the food that I had, so I tried to exercise. That just made me dizzy again. It wasn;t such a good idea. But now, I feel so pissed at myself for not trying harder, for not working through the dizziness. After that I got a shower and got dressed, and the plan was to walk to the supermarket to pick up some more shampoo, but I figured a forty minute walk in the hot sun wasn't a good idea, seeing as I felt like I could collapse at any moment. For lunch today, I had to trick my parents and show them that I was actually eating. I think my Mum was beginning to get suspicious yesterday. I made up a sandwich for myself and took it up to my room, where I tore it in half, threw half away, and chewed and spat the other half. I'm not strong enough yet to just get rid of the entire thing straight away. Plus, if anyone came to check on me, it would still look like I was eating it properly. But after I got rid of the whole thing, things started going down hill... My step-dad had already prepared some rice for tea, and when I went downstairs I automatically grabbed a fork and started shovelling the rice into my mouth. I managed to slow down and stop myself after about five or six mouthfuls, but I then came upstairs and cracked open the remainder of my easter chocolate. I know, I know, it was a really bad idea to still have stuff like that hanging around in my room, but I felt totally guilty about throwing it away. I took out about 12 maltesers and popped them in my mouth one after the other. After realising what a fat, uncontrollable pig I actually was for doing that, I got up to throw the rest of the tube away. I'm not that strong. I'm weak. So weak that I stuffed the rest of the tube into my mouth, and they were gone within seconds. It's over 400 cals per tube. After that, I was so angry. I cut. Just one...but I felt like I needed punnishment. And punnishment I got. After cutting, I went into the bathroom and purged. My mood has dropped down now. I am so fucking disappointed in myself. I was doing so well! Tonight, I still have this stupid Indian buffet thing to get through... I will eat the minimum. I gave the excuse of being too unwell to eat yesterday, so hopefully I can get away with eating very little tonight. And I will exercise for two hours tonight. I will force myself. Ana will force me. And tomorrow I'm going to go to the supermarket, and I'm going to walk there and back (about 80 mins), and I will carry on walking around the town for as long as I feel I can. I need to get rid of this terrible fat that is clinging to my beautiful bones. The scales need to go down.

Also today, I took off my nail polish and realised that my nails were actually a purplish-blue colour. I'm going to re-paint them to cover it up, but I'm thinking of actually painting them blue. Hah. And my hair is snapping and falling out. Not even this is enough to make me eat properly. I have to be thin, no matter what the cost.

Two hours 'til tea-time. The panic is building again...

Ana...Help me...

A spotless mind would be great right about now...?

I had a dream last night. I found him. I met him again. And I couldn't take my eyes off him. When i woke up and remembered the dream, all I could feel - all I can still feel - is this feeling of emptiness...of sorrowful numbness... If that at all makes sense?

Yeah, I'm pathetic. Over two months since I last spoke to him, and I still think about him. If only Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind was real...

But on the plus side, in the dream we went to starbucks, and for some reason they put loads of sprinkles and sugar on my coffee. I mean loads. And I scooped it all off! Which even the dream me is getting into the spirit of Ana! Or, the spirit of Ana has gotten into the dream me...

I'll melt away in the summer air...

So now I found the long-lost post, I can get on with informing about today. Whoop-de.

I completed a day's fast :D

You don't know how super happy this has made me. It means that I do have an ounce of self-control somewhere within me. It means that I can do this. I can be thin.

So yeah...I got up at about ten-ish this morning, and the weather was absolutely loooverly, so I sat outside to drink my coffee. But I had sugar in it...fail. I should have had sweetner instead, but I keep my sweetner in my room, out of harms way, and the sugar was right there... Silly, silly girl. I walked down to the park today and lounged in the sun for a few hours. Was rather pleasant, although I can now be compared to a lobster. Oopsy. Note to self: Buy sunscreen. Drank my way through a bottle of diet cherry coke and half a bottle of plain diet coke, and I felt fizzy :P I managed to avoid lunch. My step-dad wanted to make me a chicken sandwich with the dreaded cheesy bread, but I side-stepped it. With ease, may I add. Hah. But for tea, I had to make my own chicken sandwich. To keep up appearances, y'know? But I brought it up to my room to eat, and I managed to chew and spit! I know that not eating it at all would have been a thousand times better than chewing and spitting, but I'm somewhat of a beginner at fasting, so I think this is rather an achievement. Also took a small slice of cheesecake (appearances), and I spat that, too. I have also become somewhat of a gum-addict. I've managed to chomp my way through about five pieces today. But being a compulsive chewer is wahaaay better than being a compulsive eater, don't you aggree? Yep. The gum is sugar-free, ofcourse. Sooo calorie-wise, I'm looking at about 40/50 calories today? Which, if I do say so myself, isn't at all bad. And I got through about four bottles of water, too. And I did a forty minute work-out. So I'm feeling goood this evening. Fingers crossed that this good day can stretch throughout the rest of the week!

Starve on, starve on. It feels goood.

Oh, and I felt like a font change. So there.

The lost had been found.

Hurrah! I managed to work out how to use this thing, and I found my post that I thought I'd lost! Yippeee. So, here is what I wrote yesterday, pre-piggy drawing:

"It tastes just like cherry cola...
C-o-l-a cola.

Bad day, bad day. I'm sorry, Ana.Felt really ill this morning, weak and sick and all. I had a coffee with one sweetener so I could have a bit of energy to actually get washed and dressed. I weighed myself, and I'm the same as I was yesterday, 149 lbs. Bad times : ( Did a few sit-up, but not enough. It's never enough.
I had a few toiletries and cokes to pick up, so I walked down into town and back. Today was rather hot, actually. Which was nice, but just made the walk to town and back more of a struggle. The walk would have been about 150 calories burnt. Just think; when I'm thin, I can wear teeny tiny shorts on hot days like this! That is what I'm aiming for. But if I carry on like I did today, I'm never going to get there...
When I got home, the 'rents practically forced food down my throat...If it was up to them I would have had a fat-soaked cheese sandwich with -get this- cheesy bread. Cheesy bread I tells ya!! Ugh. They made me eat a slice of that calorie infested stuff anyway...It tasted nice, which means I shouldn't have eaten it. Anything that tastes nice is bad for you (with the exeption of diet cherry coke, ofcourse). So yeah, they were forcing food at me, but instead of a cheese sandwich, I had some granary toast and jam. I could have only had one slice, but me being me, I couldn't stop. I had two slices...and a mars bar...I know, I know, I'm terrible. I'm horrible. I'm disgusting. I shouldn't have had it. 260 calories, for christs sake!! Ugh. How could I even put that sugary crap into me? How? I should be put infront of a firing squad, I swear I should.
I cleaned my room, then. gave it a good, proper hoover. I even hoovered the ceiling! And the bathroom blind. Heheh. That would have burnt maybe...50-100 cals?
Er, then as it's sunday there was a sunday roast dinner...And I let you, myself and Ana down again. I did leave most of the mashed potato and some chicken, but I didn't leave enough. It wasn't enough. Then I had some cheesecake! Jesus christ, I'm so fucking awful. I don't deserve to live.
So now, I'm going to finish tidying my room away and I'm going to do an absolutely crazy exercise session. I can't do anything major, because I have to keep it quiet and secret from the rest of the family. But I'm thinking 2 hours of aerobic-ish pilate-ish stuff. I don't know how many calories that'll get rid of, but it ofcourse won't be enough. Major over-eat today.
I will fast tomorrow. A liquid fast. Coffee, water, diet coke, that's it."

Standing trial for your sins...

I still don't want to re-write what I had earlier...but I can sum my day up in this picture! (See below)

It really does look like me, I swear.

Sigh...

I just sat and typed a reeeally long post...but my internet disconnected itself and desided not to auto-save it...And I'm really lacking in will-power right now. My moods really dropping, quite rapidly. So I can't re-type it now. Maybe later...or tomorrow...who knows?

FAIL!

Yet again, I ate.

All day, I'd done so well with resisting my urges and cravings. But the oh so wonderful 'rents had to make chip butties...damn them.

But I ate maybe two thirds of mine, on granary bread with no butter or margarine, with just a small squirt of ketchup. Which isn't majorly bad, I guess, but I have still let myself and Ana down.

I was having a really good day, too. I had a sneaky weigh of myself thismorning and, despite a few binges this week, I have dropped a pound or two. Which is great, because I thought I would have gained. Went for a walk thismorning, too. It was a nice sunny day, so the walk wasn't too tiresome.

Oh, and coke was on offer at Tesco's so I picked up a couple of bottles of diet coke. I usually don't like diet coke, but I heard that the bubbles can be filling, and it's only one calorie per 500ml! I picked up a bottle of the regular diet, and I thought I'd try the diet cherry as well. I know the diet cherry has 2.5 cals per 500ml, but that still ain't bad. And now, I swear that diet cherry coke is the work of the gods!!! Looove iiit!!! Aaabsolutely amaaazing. I could happily live off it for weeks! But the chances of that are slim, seeing as my family seem to take pleasure in stuffing my face full of fatty rubbish...

So tomorrow being Sunday, there's going to be a roast dinner. And I have just seen the size of the chicken. I could liken it to a 3 month old baby. A fat one. There's going to be the ginormous chicken, mashed and roast potato, parsnips, peas, gravy, and sweet potatoes which I iabsolutely cannot resist...help? I am really going to try and restrict what I eat of the meal. And, ofcourse, I won't be eating breakfast or lunch tomorrow.

Monday will hopefully be a successful fast. It's the end of the easter holiday, so the family are back to school and work, and won't be able to see what I do or don't eat during the day. And because a big meal will be cooked Sunday, I'm hoping they won't want to cook monday. If they do cook, I'm gonna try and act ill. Maybe I can avoid a few nights of food? I do hope so. I need to drop as many lb's as possible before the summer.

I'm off now to work away the fat-soaked sandwich I just piggishly inhailed. Buhbye.

Ana, your influence is beginning to take effect. Please strengthen me even more.

Oink Oink

UGH.

I just pigged out on three creme eggs, six choc chip cookies, and a slice of granary toast and marmalade. DISGUSTING! It comes to about 1100 calories altogether...And today was supposed to be a fast. I was doing incredibly well - for me, anyway. All I ate yesterday was two spoons of potato salad. And I wasn't going to have anything today, but...I don't know what happened. I just got the munchies, I guess. But excuses won't do. I failed. I gave in to my weaknesses. My lack of self-control is my ultimate downfall. Anyone who is reading this has a right to be disappointed in me. Ana should be disappointed in me. I'm disappointed in me.

I will eat nothing tomorrow. Nothing nothing nothing. And if the parentals make food for me, I will tell them I'm ill and avoid it. But then I have the dilemma of the sunday roast... This is why I HATE living at home. If I lived away from the folks I'd be a fucking rake, I swear!

Oh god, I feel so sick now... I have let myself down, and I have let Ana down. I'm dreading weighing myself this week. I weigh myself on a sunday morning. But this week I have COMPLETELY pigged out. I'm such a fucking let-down.

This is where it gets serious. I won't eat unless I'm forced.

Fatness is an illness. Ana, I'm begging you to cure me.

Second post, first day.

My head's medssed up.

I wish it wasn't, it hurts like hell.

It's just...the past...people from the past that I just can't let go of. I can't forget about him.

Add that to the fact that I scoffscoffscoffed almost 3000 cals today. It's disgusting, and I'm disgusting.

I was trying to get rid of my easter eggs, but I ended up shoving them down my throat. And at about 600 cals each, it most certainly wasn't a good idea. I was sooo good yesterday. I ate nothing. I ate nothing this morning, but ended up eating pudding for lunch! Darn leftovers from easter...exactly why I hate the holidays.

3000 calories. Pig.

Tonight is a turning point. Tonight is where I force my self-control into top gear. It's pretty much been in reverse for the whole of my life (hence the reason I'm so hugely FAT). But it is tonight that it begins for real. Tonight is the point of no return. Tonight.

Now, surely a night where my head is this messed up isn't a good night for messing myself up even more...?

WRONG!!

It's the perfect night! I can see why he wants nothing to do with me. I can see why I have no friends. I can see why I am a complete and utter failure!!

It's food! Food has done all this to me! Food and a lack of self-control has left me stranded on a damaged boat in the middle of a storm. If I lose weight, I can get them back. I can be amazing. Thin will make me good.

Ana, I need your help with this. I need you more than ever. Please.

Nice to meet you--

So, here's to a new blog.

A place for me to let go and tell all.

Everything.

Lets just get a few things straight first -

• I am searching for Ana, and nobody can stop me.
• I would not wish Ana upon anybody. She is cruel and hard and relentless.
• I would not and will not reccomend my lifestyle to anybody. It is lonely and tiresome.
• It is my choice what I do to my own body. As you read more posts and get to know me, you will realise that I am beyond repair.
• Please save yourself the bother of posting hateful, hurtful, or unhelpful comments. They are utterly pointless, and will be swiftly deleted.
• I do, however, welcome pleasant and polite comments. I might even go as far as to tolerate constructive criticism.
  
  So now that's out of the way, I welcome you to my shiny new blog.

I will post often, and I guess I will try and tell you more about myself.

"Enjoy".