Here's my thinspiration...

Laaame, I know, but his devastatingly beautiful face makes me feel like I'm not good enough for someone as perfect as him. Hahahah. Laughable, no?

More to follow in the form of a BULIMIC UPDATE!! Argh... Hellhellhell. Pure misery.

You learn a new thing every day.

And today I learned that I need to chew my food more.

The fourth purging session in four days, and I managed to get bits of my dinner back up, which I ate almost five hours before purging. I had a baked sweet potato, and the bits that came up (the skin, mostly) were pretty big chunks. I throw up in the sink (I find it waaay less gross) and I had to pick the chunks out of the plug hole and put them down the loo. There was one piece that was about the size of two 50 pence pieces. Eww. Oh, and cheese is so gross to purge. It goes really soft and ends up all stuck around the roof of your mouth. Ugh.

I know, I know. I should really stop doing this. But I have no self control, and I just have mini-binges on various fridge stuffs. But today was potato salad freeeee!! Yahay! The mini-binge today consisted of actually a very small amout; about three-four tablespoons of branston pickle, a tablespoon of cheddar cheese, and about a third of a teaspoon of nutella.

Today I also had a bit of food at work. I had a tablespoon of pork, a tablespoon of carrots, two fairly big pieces of broccoli, two stuffing balls, two really small roast potatoes, and a drizzle of gravy. It all adds up, my dears. : (

Dinner today was half a large sweet potato, baked in its skin. I had it with half a can of tuna chunks (the kind soaked in brine, not sunflower oil) and some salad cream and vinegar. After that, I had a mug of options hot chocolate again. Today I had the chocolate orange kind. YUMMMM!!! I really mean that. Options hot chocolate is the best thing ever. I really do reccomend it; it makes a great dessert kind of thing. Instead of having something like ice cream or cake or biscuits after a meal, you could have an options hot chocolate. They are under 40 calories per serving! And they come in their own little pouches, so you can't go over board with how much you put into your mug. And it tastes unbelievably good. Very chocolatey.

Other things today include: The crust of a piece of brown bread, two and a half coffees with sugar, half a decaf coffee with sweetner (most of which would have gotten purged), a peppermint tea, and a sneaky spoon of apple sauce. I'm working again tomorrow, and because I get up and leave the house early I don't really get hungry before I leave. And there isn't any time at work for breakfast, appart from breaktime at 10:30. But this is when I have coffee, and it's easy to resist the food that I'm offered (there is leftover porridge, toast and bread). The next time that I have the opportunity to eat is when the lunches have all been served up. I usually say no to them; I will say no tomorrow. Urmmm I get home at about 2:15, and I'll probably grab a coffee then. If my mum asks what I want for tea, I'll tell her that I had loads of toast and spare lunch at work and don't feel like much for tea, so I'll just get some cup-a-soup, Bless my mum, she bought me some boxes of cup-a-soup... The tomato and veg one, the beef and tomato one, and the chicken one. The lowest calorie kind of those three is the beef and tomato, which has ninety-something calories. The other two have between 100 and 110 cals. I feel so guilty for not eating them... She got me some apples too. I probably won't eat those, either. Hmmh... So if all goes well tomorrow, it will be a 200 calorie day! Morning coffee-5 breaktime coffee-18 lunchtime coffee-18 coffee when I get home-5 soup-98 peppermint tea-0 hot chocolate-37 decaf coffee-5 =186 calories. Fingers crossed! And I don't want to purge tomorrow. My throat it aching and stinging, and my teeth feel weird, and my jaw feels really odd.

Anyhowww. Up at 6:30 again tomorrow, so I'm off now.

You can tell me how vile I already know that I am.

I've made myself sick three days in a row. How did I get here? Damn potato salad... If that wasn't there, I could've held myself together. Look at me, blaming the bloody food... I should be blaming myself, blaming my lack of self-control.

So, loads of branston pickle and loads of nutella chocolate spread (which is the work of the gods, btw), and also two thirds of a pot of salsa dip. Neither the branston nor the dip tasted so good in reverse. And the branston and the chocolate spread are my mums, so she's gonna notice that they've gone down. But I can talk my way out of the lack of branston. Apparently, I got really peckish while she was out, so I had a few ryvitas with some branston. I even fabricated evidence. There is no excuse yet for the nutella... But I don't think she eats it that often, so it should be a while 'til she finds out. The pot was hidden at the back of the condiments cupboard though, behind all the spices, so I think she was trying to hide it... Meh, peckishness and ryvitas will be my excuse for that, also. Mhmm. What else... Yeah; a few spoons of potato salad, a spoon of strawberry jam, a tiny bit of golden syrup, some milk, two tortilla chips, sultanas, and a small handfull of sugar puffs. I know it's not like a propper binge, like stuffing myself with biscuits and ice cream and so on an so forth, but I see it as a binge. I'm supposed to be staying under 500cals at the moment, and I'd do it easily if I didn't keep doing this. This stops now. Please.

In other news; I'm on my second cup of peppermint tea of the evening. I'm really bloated and, er, gassy as of late, and I'm hoping that it'll help a bit. Sereously, I'm so bloated I look pregnant. No joke! And peppermint tea is also supposed to help with bad breath, so hopefully my puke breath won't be as bad...

I'm going through too much chewing gum, as well. In the last couple of weeks I've managed to go through about...ninety pieces of wrigley's sugar free...? About ninety-ish... Possibly more than that, actually. But it stops me binging. So it's good. And it's fairly low calorie. And all that chewing has gotta burn one or two calories back off, right? : S

My throat feels sooo horrid... It feels like there's something stuck in there... Ewww.

I'm really tired. Woke up at six thirty today, ready for work. Six thirty again tomorrow morning, and the morning after that, which will be monday. I was planning on taking laxatives monday night ready for tuesday, and then also a few more on tuesday night for wednesday. But I'm on a food hygeine course for work on tuesday afternoon. Grr. So it's going to have to be weds and thurs dosed up on lax. Fingers crossed I don't get called in to work on those days : S

Sleep now. It's ten pm. If I go to sleep now, I'll get eight and a half hours sleep. NOT ENOUGH!! I need loads of sleep to function well. And I doubt that I'll get even eight hours tonight. Maybe about seven? :' (

I want to be thin. I want to have that kind of control. It's the only thing I have that I have a chance at.

Complicaaateeed!

Lolz. Lavigne's on the radio. I used to be so into her.

Anyway - No kettle : ( Argos was sold out of the cheapy-cheap less-than-a-fiver fall-appart-as-soon-as-you-get-it-out-of-the-box kettles, so I have to survive 'til atleast monday with the kettle downstairs.

I did, however, get decaf coffee. Haven't tried it yet, will do just now. I also got some salsa dip...YUMMY!!! I really can't resist the powers of the salsa dip... And at 29 cals per 100g, who can complain?! I plan on filling up on celery and cucumber dipped in salsa over the weekend. Possibly a ryvita or two with salsa spread, too. I have work this weekend, so I can tell my mum I ate there. Simples : )

Buuuhuhuhuuut, I got some options hot chocolate powder in tesco's, too : / But it's hot chocolate as opposed to drinking chocolate, which is better. Drinking chocolate is made up with hot milk, hot chocolate is made up with hot water. So that's better. And I got the options stuff. It was a pound for five sachets, under 40 cals per sachet. Which is a few miles better than 200-odd cals for drinking choc and hot milk!! I may treat myself to one of those tonight... Have a try of it : )

Ermmm what else, what else...Oh yeah, another potato salad binge this morning. Followed by a mock-penguin biscuit dipped in coffee. Those biscuits have 180 cals EACH!! And I reckon about 150-200 cals worth of potato salad...Ewwy. I brought it back up. Tasted miles better without so much coffee. Nothing else since then, appart from 2 coffees and a salsa binge : P But the coffees had sweetner instead of sugar, phew! Urmmm... So yeah, the plan for tea is decaf coffee and 2 ryvitas with strawberry jam (37 cals per tablespoon) which will be about 100cals. Then after a shower tonight I will try this hot choc stoof! I've just gotta avoid the kitchen... A tricky task... : /

I can taste coffee on my lips... I hope decaf does it for me... I had huuuge coffee cravings at about eleven last night... So I'm hoping decaf coffee is going to help me out a bit with this.

Ouchy...I've had a headache since tuesday. It's now friday. Friday! It hurts... I took two paracetamol about four hours ago, which made it disappear for a while. But I can feel it creeping back : (

Anyway, I'm out! Coffee and ryvitas are a-calling. <3>

...to gain a little self control.

Blarg.

Do you know how many cereal bars I ate last night?


Me neither!! I lost count!! It was like, about five I think. Soooo not good. It's better than eating five chocolate bars though, or five ice creams. But still, I just kept eating bar after bar after bar... I must have gone over 2000 yesterday. Eurgh, I disgust myself!!


The plan for today was as follows;
B - Coffee & rice cake (30-odd)
L - Coffee & rice cake
D - Whatever mother makes, half eaten, half chewed and spat.

Which would have made me about 500-ish cals today.

But nooo, of course not. This is me we are talking about!
B - Potato salad & marmalade & honey & sugar puffs & 1/2 a coffee & 2 rows of caramel dairy milk & cereal bar. Argh!
L - Nothing
D - 2 slices white toast with margarine & 2/3 a tin of beans % cheese.

I did have a good purge after the breakfast lot which made me feel better. I seem to be able to get chocolate up pretty well. But I'm so effed off that I ate all that today. I think that, with the purge, I had about 600 cals today. And I'm craving cereal bars. Well, actually, I'm craving toast and biscuits and chocolate and ice cream, and cheese and crisps and everything else baaad... Chewing gum is the only thing keeping the food out of my mouth.

Tomorrow, I'm off to argos to buy myself a kettle for my bedroom. Sounds funny, actually... But I hate having to go downstairs and be around my step-dad, even for the five minutes it takes to boil a kettle. And not boiling the kettle means I am coffee-less! I only had half a coffee today... :' ( But I will get a kettle tomorrow. Kinda exciting!! ...And that's how little I have in my life... I'm excited about a kettle... And I'm going to get some decaf instant coffee too. I'm craving coffee so bad at the moment, but having some now isn't a good idea, seeing as it's getting on for 11pm! So, decaf will be the answer to my problem!

Once my kettle gets settled in, I may get a microwave. And a sink. And a loo. Then I'll never have to leave my room again!! Joking, of course. I stop at the kettle.

Take me away.

Issues at 'home' still going on. But it's not my home any more, just a pile of bricks and fading memories. I just want to get out of this dump and start over, just me and my mum. I wish she'd just hug me...

Size ten jeans? I think so. Hah. I don't look or feel size ten. I think these jeans have the wrong label in them.

Does swine flu make you eat like a pig? If so, I have it. Oinkers. I just keep eating and eating and eating. This evening mum made a jacket potato, and I ate that with a whole tin of tuna and a tonne of cheese, and even when I felt stuffed after that I had some dorito's and a hot chocolate (the kind with milk, not water). FATTY!! And I haven't been exercising recently because I just feel so drained... I think I've gained a few pounds this week... : ( Means I'm going to have to work extra hard for a few weeks now to catch up with where I should be.

I so desperately need to be thin. Hmmf.

Oh, and work are making me wear this rediculous uniform. A fucking dress. That makes me look retarded. The hemline is about five inches below my knees. I mean, come on!! I hate this job. It makes me want to cry so bad. Everything is making me want to cry so bad. Sounds pathetic and wimpy, but I just want my mum. I just want her to cuddle me.

It's the end of the world as we know it--

And I don't feel fine.

So, the family issues saga continues, and the 'rents are splitting. Means I have to leave the home I have lived in for the last twelve and a half years. But it's not a home any more - it's now only a place where I just happen to sleep and keep all my stuff. To be honest, I'm looking forward to starting over. It's not the way I would have chosen to start over, but I guess I should make the most of it... I'm just really not looking forward to packing up my room... I have alot of stuff. I haven't a clue how I'm going to box it all up. But moving is a while away yet; we have to sell this heap of bricks and mortar first. Which will be fun with the current economic situation... : /

In other news - I started my new job today. I'm a kitchen assistant in a retirement home, which means I'm around food all day... But I don't get a chance to eat any of it, so that's okay. But I did get offered toast and biscuits today, which I happily declined. But they loaded me up with coffee. So today - coffe with sweetner(7), rice cake(27), soup-in-a-mug(43), cereal bar(88), 2xcoffee with sugar(30) - which adds up to 195. You can also add a few thousand pieces of sugarfree gum into the equation, too. I don't know how many calories are in gum... Not many, right? But I was on my feet for about six hours today, so a few calories burned? I had to wear trousers for this job, and I'm too poor/cheap to buy a new pair, so I wore the pair of trousers that I bought about three years ago for school. Back then, they fit rather well. They weren't tight, but i didn't need a belt to hold them up. I put them on thismorning and my god are they big! I swear I didn't know I'd lost that many inches... I didn't think I'd changed much in size at all. I mean, I knew my jeans were looser, but I didn't realise they were that loose. So yeah, now I have to fork out for new trousers. And I should get some new jeans, too. Mine are beginning to look silly on me... I'm itching to go on a trying on session all around town. I'm going to try on fuckloads of jeans and trousers! Hah, I really can't wait... I have so little in my life that trying on work trousers brings me happiness.

Haven't weighed myself in a few days. The scales didn't seem to go down the last few times I was on them, so I'm really nervous of stepping back onto them incase they still haven't moved. And my mum still keeps bringing up my apparent major weight loss at every opportunity. I mean, if people think I'm looking thin now compared to how I used to look, then I must have been a fucking whale!! I mean, I'm still pretty big now. Like I said, I'm not even a UK size ten yet. I wobble loads.

Sooo... Off to bed, I think. Work at eight in the morning tomorrow... Uuugh. I'll have to get up at like, seven... : ( Coffeecoffeecoffee. And a rice cake. And a multivit. And a slap with a wet fish? Maybe not the fish... OOOmg the cook made fish for the residents today, and it smelled sooo fucking good. I love the smell of fish, bigtime. You all might think I'm weird, but that smell makes my mouth water like crazy. But just talking about it is making me crave it... So off to bed for me, only about eight hours 'til I have to wake up : (