It's the end of the world as we know it--

And I don't feel fine.

So, the family issues saga continues, and the 'rents are splitting. Means I have to leave the home I have lived in for the last twelve and a half years. But it's not a home any more - it's now only a place where I just happen to sleep and keep all my stuff. To be honest, I'm looking forward to starting over. It's not the way I would have chosen to start over, but I guess I should make the most of it... I'm just really not looking forward to packing up my room... I have alot of stuff. I haven't a clue how I'm going to box it all up. But moving is a while away yet; we have to sell this heap of bricks and mortar first. Which will be fun with the current economic situation... : /

In other news - I started my new job today. I'm a kitchen assistant in a retirement home, which means I'm around food all day... But I don't get a chance to eat any of it, so that's okay. But I did get offered toast and biscuits today, which I happily declined. But they loaded me up with coffee. So today - coffe with sweetner(7), rice cake(27), soup-in-a-mug(43), cereal bar(88), 2xcoffee with sugar(30) - which adds up to 195. You can also add a few thousand pieces of sugarfree gum into the equation, too. I don't know how many calories are in gum... Not many, right? But I was on my feet for about six hours today, so a few calories burned? I had to wear trousers for this job, and I'm too poor/cheap to buy a new pair, so I wore the pair of trousers that I bought about three years ago for school. Back then, they fit rather well. They weren't tight, but i didn't need a belt to hold them up. I put them on thismorning and my god are they big! I swear I didn't know I'd lost that many inches... I didn't think I'd changed much in size at all. I mean, I knew my jeans were looser, but I didn't realise they were that loose. So yeah, now I have to fork out for new trousers. And I should get some new jeans, too. Mine are beginning to look silly on me... I'm itching to go on a trying on session all around town. I'm going to try on fuckloads of jeans and trousers! Hah, I really can't wait... I have so little in my life that trying on work trousers brings me happiness.

Haven't weighed myself in a few days. The scales didn't seem to go down the last few times I was on them, so I'm really nervous of stepping back onto them incase they still haven't moved. And my mum still keeps bringing up my apparent major weight loss at every opportunity. I mean, if people think I'm looking thin now compared to how I used to look, then I must have been a fucking whale!! I mean, I'm still pretty big now. Like I said, I'm not even a UK size ten yet. I wobble loads.

Sooo... Off to bed, I think. Work at eight in the morning tomorrow... Uuugh. I'll have to get up at like, seven... : ( Coffeecoffeecoffee. And a rice cake. And a multivit. And a slap with a wet fish? Maybe not the fish... OOOmg the cook made fish for the residents today, and it smelled sooo fucking good. I love the smell of fish, bigtime. You all might think I'm weird, but that smell makes my mouth water like crazy. But just talking about it is making me crave it... So off to bed for me, only about eight hours 'til I have to wake up : (

Ain't got no fight left...

Issues with family...

It brings out all the emotion in me that I never knew I had. I cried loads this evening. I got so angry that I cut and did angry exercise.

All this stuff makes me want to eat even less. It makes me want to loseloselose and be so skinny that people don't recognise me, that I disappear.

My mum keeps saying how worried she is about my quick weight-loss. I've only lost about a stone since I started restricting, it's not even noticable. Sure, I've gone up a belt notch, but I'm not a skeleton yet. She said she's worried I'll lose more. I'm not even a size ten yet, I have bags of weight to lose before I can stop. If I can stop. Right now, I never what to stop.

I hate things being this way. I hate feeling like this. I know it makes my appetite disappear, but I hate seeing my mum cry, and I hate that I've had to give up my future for her. But I had to give it up, I couldn't leave her on her own...

God, I'm such a fatty. Today has been: Rice cake (27), coffee with sweetner (7), soup-in-a-mug (43), coffee with sugar (15), cereal bar (88) - which adds up to 180. But my mum made some couscous, and I had to eat a few mouth fulls infront of her to show her that I was eating something, so that's tipped me over to about 250/300. Darn.

Hmm...I'm blogging because I can't sleep. I had next to no energy all day, and all the emotion expended this evening has zapped whatever energy remained. I'm nackered, but I can't sleep. And I have to get up at 7:50 tomorrow morning. Doesn't sound early, but I've been sleeping 'til about 10ish and getting up at midday for the last three months. So 7:50 is early as fuck.

There'll be more tears tomorrow, I know it.

: (

Do I divide and fall apart?

Jeez, I haven't even been out of bed for twelve hours, and today already seems like the longest day ever...

Family issues flying everywhere at the moment... Really getting me down... But the plus side is it has made me lose my appetite! Today I had a coffee and a rice cake for breakfast, and half way through I had to stp because I felt so sick... And I felt sick constantly for the rest of the day. I had another coffee this afternoon (which means not much sleep will be had tonight), and apart from that, nothing else. Coffee thismorning had sweetner, coffee this afternoon had sugar (because my mum made it). Sooo the grand total for today is - drum roll please - 45!! 45 cals today, and I still feel like I'm gonna hurl. I may have one or two pieces of gum tonight, so the total may go up a bit. And the family disturbances have sereously kicked my ana into top gear... And it's also bought on mia... Which I know ain't good, but I just had to. I had to get the crap that I ate yesterday out of me.

I can safely say the best diet aid is a dysfunctional family. Works wonders.

Note to self: Never, ever blink again.

Ugh.


This day has been...demanding.


My friend called me thismorning in tears. She's so unhappy. She's so far away and all I want to do is hold on to her and see her smile. I miss her so much it hurts...


And I decided to go to the place where he works. I thought that if I could see him again, if I knew he was still breathing, then I could get over him. I saw him. He was standing two feet in front of me. He looked right through me. It hurt so much. I had to go and sit down for fear of passing out. I was hyperventilating, my sight went fuzzy, my thoughts were all over the place... He looked through me. He looked through me. Now, every time I close my eyes, I see his face. I don't know whats worse; not knowing if he's okay and not seeing his face, or knowing he's alive and alright, and having his beautiful face etched into my eyelids... Pain, pain, pain... I got home at about two o'clock and I felt like I couldn't eat...I felt so sick. But I did have a 43 cal soup. Then I curled up in a ball and tried to hold myself together.


Uuuugh. I don't even want to go into the third thing, it makes me so angry. So fucking angry. Maybe another day... because this tale has a long back-story.


Food, food, food... Today was back to restricting. I don't like the emotional mess that fasting turns me in to. So, breakfast was a rice cake (27) and a coffee with sweetner (6), lunch was chicken noodle soup-in-a-mug (43) and tea was a special k cereal bar (88). And many pieces of gum, also... So, I reckon under 200 today? That's the plan for as long as I can hold it up and avoid prepared meals from the 'rents. Weekends are tricky... Saturday means a trip to the grandparents house, deep-fried chips-a-plenty. Sunday is a roast dinner. But my Dad is away this weekend, so there's a possibility I can avoid the roast... And I might claim I'm not hungry on saturday. Although, that was my excuse last saturday... Eek. Illness? I'll go with that. I feel pretty ill today.


All I need to do now is find a way to sleep with my eyes open...

PS. He is so devastatingly beautiful and amazing. How could I possibly match that? No wonder he cut me out...

This is the price you pay for loss of control...

Ate too much. Couldn't purge.

ExerciseExerciseExercise.

Take me and break me, and make me strong like you.

So I said I'd write everything down on here...So I should get on with writing everything that happened yesterday and today.

Yesterday was day two of a three day fast, and I just felt so crappy all day. I weighed myself in the morning, and I hadn't lost a single pound since the last time I weighed in, which was sunday morning. But on the plus side, I managed to fit into a t-shirt that I brought on my holiday to Florida two and a half years ago. That t-shirt stopped fitting me pretty much the second I stepped off of the plane when I got home to England. In the afternoon I just had to get out of the house. So I went for a walk back down to the park, and with every step I took I was fighting tears. I don't even really know why I wanted to cry. But I managed to hold on to myself, atleast while I was in view of other people. When I got home I just collapsed on to my bed and I felt like I couldn't move. My Mother came up to tell me that my Step-Dad was making an Indian buffet for the next night (which is tonight), and as soon as she went back downstairs I was in floods. I just kept crying and crying, and the feeling of panic was exploding out of my chest. I realised that I actually couldn't face having to put some fatty disgusting food into my body. I never wanted to ever again. I kept crying on and off all evening. And believe me when I say that I hardly cry. I think the last time I cried like that was a year and a half ago. I mean, I well up abit when I'm watching a sad movie and I'm all hormonal at the time of the month, but I very rarely get into such a state that I can't hold the tears back. And once you get upset about one thing, you get upset about everything and you just break down and lose your grip on reality. For the rest of the evening the panicky feeling wouldn;t go away, and I had urge ofter urge to cut cut cut, but I resisted. I was proud of myself for that. After I was all cried out, I couldn't get myself off to sleep. As I lay there, absolutely wrecked and limp from the terrible emotional day, I started feeling really ill. I felt nauseous, weak, sick... But I knew that I couldn't actually be sick, because I hadn't eaten in over thirty hours by that time. So I just had to lay there, feeling so bad that I honestly felt like I was dying (it seems over-dramatic now, but I've never actually been on deaths door, so feeling like that really scared me). I guess I finally fell asleep, and as you probably would have guessed by now, I didn't die! One of the first things that passed through my head thismorning was the thought that Ana has finally sunk her claws into me. There is no way of getting out of this now, even if I wanted to. I'm in this for good. All the while thinking of that, I still felt immensely ill. I couldn't even find the strength to get out of bed for some coffee. I just had to lie there for hours 'til I could finally move. I wobbled down the stairs, and at that time, with that feeling, I thought it a good idea to have a mini break from my fast. I had a small glass of orange juice, a pickled onion, a small bite of chicken, and a carrot stick. Weird choices, I know. I got my coffee then, and went back to bed. An hour later though, I was feeling a lot better. I felt like I could actually muster the energy to get up and get dressed. I knew I had to do something to work off the food that I had, so I tried to exercise. That just made me dizzy again. It wasn;t such a good idea. But now, I feel so pissed at myself for not trying harder, for not working through the dizziness. After that I got a shower and got dressed, and the plan was to walk to the supermarket to pick up some more shampoo, but I figured a forty minute walk in the hot sun wasn't a good idea, seeing as I felt like I could collapse at any moment. For lunch today, I had to trick my parents and show them that I was actually eating. I think my Mum was beginning to get suspicious yesterday. I made up a sandwich for myself and took it up to my room, where I tore it in half, threw half away, and chewed and spat the other half. I'm not strong enough yet to just get rid of the entire thing straight away. Plus, if anyone came to check on me, it would still look like I was eating it properly. But after I got rid of the whole thing, things started going down hill... My step-dad had already prepared some rice for tea, and when I went downstairs I automatically grabbed a fork and started shovelling the rice into my mouth. I managed to slow down and stop myself after about five or six mouthfuls, but I then came upstairs and cracked open the remainder of my easter chocolate. I know, I know, it was a really bad idea to still have stuff like that hanging around in my room, but I felt totally guilty about throwing it away. I took out about 12 maltesers and popped them in my mouth one after the other. After realising what a fat, uncontrollable pig I actually was for doing that, I got up to throw the rest of the tube away. I'm not that strong. I'm weak. So weak that I stuffed the rest of the tube into my mouth, and they were gone within seconds. It's over 400 cals per tube. After that, I was so angry. I cut. Just one...but I felt like I needed punnishment. And punnishment I got. After cutting, I went into the bathroom and purged. My mood has dropped down now. I am so fucking disappointed in myself. I was doing so well! Tonight, I still have this stupid Indian buffet thing to get through... I will eat the minimum. I gave the excuse of being too unwell to eat yesterday, so hopefully I can get away with eating very little tonight. And I will exercise for two hours tonight. I will force myself. Ana will force me. And tomorrow I'm going to go to the supermarket, and I'm going to walk there and back (about 80 mins), and I will carry on walking around the town for as long as I feel I can. I need to get rid of this terrible fat that is clinging to my beautiful bones. The scales need to go down.

Also today, I took off my nail polish and realised that my nails were actually a purplish-blue colour. I'm going to re-paint them to cover it up, but I'm thinking of actually painting them blue. Hah. And my hair is snapping and falling out. Not even this is enough to make me eat properly. I have to be thin, no matter what the cost.

Two hours 'til tea-time. The panic is building again...

Ana...Help me...

A spotless mind would be great right about now...?

I had a dream last night. I found him. I met him again. And I couldn't take my eyes off him. When i woke up and remembered the dream, all I could feel - all I can still feel - is this feeling of emptiness...of sorrowful numbness... If that at all makes sense?

Yeah, I'm pathetic. Over two months since I last spoke to him, and I still think about him. If only Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind was real...

But on the plus side, in the dream we went to starbucks, and for some reason they put loads of sprinkles and sugar on my coffee. I mean loads. And I scooped it all off! Which even the dream me is getting into the spirit of Ana! Or, the spirit of Ana has gotten into the dream me...

I'll melt away in the summer air...

So now I found the long-lost post, I can get on with informing about today. Whoop-de.

I completed a day's fast :D

You don't know how super happy this has made me. It means that I do have an ounce of self-control somewhere within me. It means that I can do this. I can be thin.

So yeah...I got up at about ten-ish this morning, and the weather was absolutely loooverly, so I sat outside to drink my coffee. But I had sugar in it...fail. I should have had sweetner instead, but I keep my sweetner in my room, out of harms way, and the sugar was right there... Silly, silly girl. I walked down to the park today and lounged in the sun for a few hours. Was rather pleasant, although I can now be compared to a lobster. Oopsy. Note to self: Buy sunscreen. Drank my way through a bottle of diet cherry coke and half a bottle of plain diet coke, and I felt fizzy :P I managed to avoid lunch. My step-dad wanted to make me a chicken sandwich with the dreaded cheesy bread, but I side-stepped it. With ease, may I add. Hah. But for tea, I had to make my own chicken sandwich. To keep up appearances, y'know? But I brought it up to my room to eat, and I managed to chew and spit! I know that not eating it at all would have been a thousand times better than chewing and spitting, but I'm somewhat of a beginner at fasting, so I think this is rather an achievement. Also took a small slice of cheesecake (appearances), and I spat that, too. I have also become somewhat of a gum-addict. I've managed to chomp my way through about five pieces today. But being a compulsive chewer is wahaaay better than being a compulsive eater, don't you aggree? Yep. The gum is sugar-free, ofcourse. Sooo calorie-wise, I'm looking at about 40/50 calories today? Which, if I do say so myself, isn't at all bad. And I got through about four bottles of water, too. And I did a forty minute work-out. So I'm feeling goood this evening. Fingers crossed that this good day can stretch throughout the rest of the week!

Starve on, starve on. It feels goood.

Oh, and I felt like a font change. So there.

The lost had been found.

Hurrah! I managed to work out how to use this thing, and I found my post that I thought I'd lost! Yippeee. So, here is what I wrote yesterday, pre-piggy drawing:

"It tastes just like cherry cola...
C-o-l-a cola.

Bad day, bad day. I'm sorry, Ana.Felt really ill this morning, weak and sick and all. I had a coffee with one sweetener so I could have a bit of energy to actually get washed and dressed. I weighed myself, and I'm the same as I was yesterday, 149 lbs. Bad times : ( Did a few sit-up, but not enough. It's never enough.
I had a few toiletries and cokes to pick up, so I walked down into town and back. Today was rather hot, actually. Which was nice, but just made the walk to town and back more of a struggle. The walk would have been about 150 calories burnt. Just think; when I'm thin, I can wear teeny tiny shorts on hot days like this! That is what I'm aiming for. But if I carry on like I did today, I'm never going to get there...
When I got home, the 'rents practically forced food down my throat...If it was up to them I would have had a fat-soaked cheese sandwich with -get this- cheesy bread. Cheesy bread I tells ya!! Ugh. They made me eat a slice of that calorie infested stuff anyway...It tasted nice, which means I shouldn't have eaten it. Anything that tastes nice is bad for you (with the exeption of diet cherry coke, ofcourse). So yeah, they were forcing food at me, but instead of a cheese sandwich, I had some granary toast and jam. I could have only had one slice, but me being me, I couldn't stop. I had two slices...and a mars bar...I know, I know, I'm terrible. I'm horrible. I'm disgusting. I shouldn't have had it. 260 calories, for christs sake!! Ugh. How could I even put that sugary crap into me? How? I should be put infront of a firing squad, I swear I should.
I cleaned my room, then. gave it a good, proper hoover. I even hoovered the ceiling! And the bathroom blind. Heheh. That would have burnt maybe...50-100 cals?
Er, then as it's sunday there was a sunday roast dinner...And I let you, myself and Ana down again. I did leave most of the mashed potato and some chicken, but I didn't leave enough. It wasn't enough. Then I had some cheesecake! Jesus christ, I'm so fucking awful. I don't deserve to live.
So now, I'm going to finish tidying my room away and I'm going to do an absolutely crazy exercise session. I can't do anything major, because I have to keep it quiet and secret from the rest of the family. But I'm thinking 2 hours of aerobic-ish pilate-ish stuff. I don't know how many calories that'll get rid of, but it ofcourse won't be enough. Major over-eat today.
I will fast tomorrow. A liquid fast. Coffee, water, diet coke, that's it."

Standing trial for your sins...

I still don't want to re-write what I had earlier...but I can sum my day up in this picture! (See below)

It really does look like me, I swear.

Sigh...

I just sat and typed a reeeally long post...but my internet disconnected itself and desided not to auto-save it...And I'm really lacking in will-power right now. My moods really dropping, quite rapidly. So I can't re-type it now. Maybe later...or tomorrow...who knows?

FAIL!

Yet again, I ate.

All day, I'd done so well with resisting my urges and cravings. But the oh so wonderful 'rents had to make chip butties...damn them.

But I ate maybe two thirds of mine, on granary bread with no butter or margarine, with just a small squirt of ketchup. Which isn't majorly bad, I guess, but I have still let myself and Ana down.

I was having a really good day, too. I had a sneaky weigh of myself thismorning and, despite a few binges this week, I have dropped a pound or two. Which is great, because I thought I would have gained. Went for a walk thismorning, too. It was a nice sunny day, so the walk wasn't too tiresome.

Oh, and coke was on offer at Tesco's so I picked up a couple of bottles of diet coke. I usually don't like diet coke, but I heard that the bubbles can be filling, and it's only one calorie per 500ml! I picked up a bottle of the regular diet, and I thought I'd try the diet cherry as well. I know the diet cherry has 2.5 cals per 500ml, but that still ain't bad. And now, I swear that diet cherry coke is the work of the gods!!! Looove iiit!!! Aaabsolutely amaaazing. I could happily live off it for weeks! But the chances of that are slim, seeing as my family seem to take pleasure in stuffing my face full of fatty rubbish...

So tomorrow being Sunday, there's going to be a roast dinner. And I have just seen the size of the chicken. I could liken it to a 3 month old baby. A fat one. There's going to be the ginormous chicken, mashed and roast potato, parsnips, peas, gravy, and sweet potatoes which I iabsolutely cannot resist...help? I am really going to try and restrict what I eat of the meal. And, ofcourse, I won't be eating breakfast or lunch tomorrow.

Monday will hopefully be a successful fast. It's the end of the easter holiday, so the family are back to school and work, and won't be able to see what I do or don't eat during the day. And because a big meal will be cooked Sunday, I'm hoping they won't want to cook monday. If they do cook, I'm gonna try and act ill. Maybe I can avoid a few nights of food? I do hope so. I need to drop as many lb's as possible before the summer.

I'm off now to work away the fat-soaked sandwich I just piggishly inhailed. Buhbye.

Ana, your influence is beginning to take effect. Please strengthen me even more.

Oink Oink

UGH.

I just pigged out on three creme eggs, six choc chip cookies, and a slice of granary toast and marmalade. DISGUSTING! It comes to about 1100 calories altogether...And today was supposed to be a fast. I was doing incredibly well - for me, anyway. All I ate yesterday was two spoons of potato salad. And I wasn't going to have anything today, but...I don't know what happened. I just got the munchies, I guess. But excuses won't do. I failed. I gave in to my weaknesses. My lack of self-control is my ultimate downfall. Anyone who is reading this has a right to be disappointed in me. Ana should be disappointed in me. I'm disappointed in me.

I will eat nothing tomorrow. Nothing nothing nothing. And if the parentals make food for me, I will tell them I'm ill and avoid it. But then I have the dilemma of the sunday roast... This is why I HATE living at home. If I lived away from the folks I'd be a fucking rake, I swear!

Oh god, I feel so sick now... I have let myself down, and I have let Ana down. I'm dreading weighing myself this week. I weigh myself on a sunday morning. But this week I have COMPLETELY pigged out. I'm such a fucking let-down.

This is where it gets serious. I won't eat unless I'm forced.

Fatness is an illness. Ana, I'm begging you to cure me.

Second post, first day.

My head's medssed up.

I wish it wasn't, it hurts like hell.

It's just...the past...people from the past that I just can't let go of. I can't forget about him.

Add that to the fact that I scoffscoffscoffed almost 3000 cals today. It's disgusting, and I'm disgusting.

I was trying to get rid of my easter eggs, but I ended up shoving them down my throat. And at about 600 cals each, it most certainly wasn't a good idea. I was sooo good yesterday. I ate nothing. I ate nothing this morning, but ended up eating pudding for lunch! Darn leftovers from easter...exactly why I hate the holidays.

3000 calories. Pig.

Tonight is a turning point. Tonight is where I force my self-control into top gear. It's pretty much been in reverse for the whole of my life (hence the reason I'm so hugely FAT). But it is tonight that it begins for real. Tonight is the point of no return. Tonight.

Now, surely a night where my head is this messed up isn't a good night for messing myself up even more...?

WRONG!!

It's the perfect night! I can see why he wants nothing to do with me. I can see why I have no friends. I can see why I am a complete and utter failure!!

It's food! Food has done all this to me! Food and a lack of self-control has left me stranded on a damaged boat in the middle of a storm. If I lose weight, I can get them back. I can be amazing. Thin will make me good.

Ana, I need your help with this. I need you more than ever. Please.

Nice to meet you--

So, here's to a new blog.

A place for me to let go and tell all.

Everything.

Lets just get a few things straight first -

• I am searching for Ana, and nobody can stop me.
• I would not wish Ana upon anybody. She is cruel and hard and relentless.
• I would not and will not reccomend my lifestyle to anybody. It is lonely and tiresome.
• It is my choice what I do to my own body. As you read more posts and get to know me, you will realise that I am beyond repair.
• Please save yourself the bother of posting hateful, hurtful, or unhelpful comments. They are utterly pointless, and will be swiftly deleted.
• I do, however, welcome pleasant and polite comments. I might even go as far as to tolerate constructive criticism.
  
  So now that's out of the way, I welcome you to my shiny new blog.

I will post often, and I guess I will try and tell you more about myself.

"Enjoy".