Ugh.
This day has been...demanding.
My friend called me thismorning in tears. She's so unhappy. She's so far away and all I want to do is hold on to her and see her smile. I miss her so much it hurts...
And I decided to go to the place where he works. I thought that if I could see him again, if I knew he was still breathing, then I could get over him. I saw him. He was standing two feet in front of me. He looked right through me. It hurt so much. I had to go and sit down for fear of passing out. I was hyperventilating, my sight went fuzzy, my thoughts were all over the place... He looked through me. He looked through me. Now, every time I close my eyes, I see his face. I don't know whats worse; not knowing if he's okay and not seeing his face, or knowing he's alive and alright, and having his beautiful face etched into my eyelids... Pain, pain, pain... I got home at about two o'clock and I felt like I couldn't eat...I felt so sick. But I did have a 43 cal soup. Then I curled up in a ball and tried to hold myself together.
Uuuugh. I don't even want to go into the third thing, it makes me so angry. So fucking angry. Maybe another day... because this tale has a long back-story.
Food, food, food... Today was back to restricting. I don't like the emotional mess that fasting turns me in to. So, breakfast was a rice cake (27) and a coffee with sweetner (6), lunch was chicken noodle soup-in-a-mug (43) and tea was a special k cereal bar (88). And many pieces of gum, also... So, I reckon under 200 today? That's the plan for as long as I can hold it up and avoid prepared meals from the 'rents. Weekends are tricky... Saturday means a trip to the grandparents house, deep-fried chips-a-plenty. Sunday is a roast dinner. But my Dad is away this weekend, so there's a possibility I can avoid the roast... And I might claim I'm not hungry on saturday. Although, that was my excuse last saturday... Eek. Illness? I'll go with that. I feel pretty ill today.
All I need to do now is find a way to sleep with my eyes open...
This day has been...demanding.
My friend called me thismorning in tears. She's so unhappy. She's so far away and all I want to do is hold on to her and see her smile. I miss her so much it hurts...
And I decided to go to the place where he works. I thought that if I could see him again, if I knew he was still breathing, then I could get over him. I saw him. He was standing two feet in front of me. He looked right through me. It hurt so much. I had to go and sit down for fear of passing out. I was hyperventilating, my sight went fuzzy, my thoughts were all over the place... He looked through me. He looked through me. Now, every time I close my eyes, I see his face. I don't know whats worse; not knowing if he's okay and not seeing his face, or knowing he's alive and alright, and having his beautiful face etched into my eyelids... Pain, pain, pain... I got home at about two o'clock and I felt like I couldn't eat...I felt so sick. But I did have a 43 cal soup. Then I curled up in a ball and tried to hold myself together.
Uuuugh. I don't even want to go into the third thing, it makes me so angry. So fucking angry. Maybe another day... because this tale has a long back-story.
Food, food, food... Today was back to restricting. I don't like the emotional mess that fasting turns me in to. So, breakfast was a rice cake (27) and a coffee with sweetner (6), lunch was chicken noodle soup-in-a-mug (43) and tea was a special k cereal bar (88). And many pieces of gum, also... So, I reckon under 200 today? That's the plan for as long as I can hold it up and avoid prepared meals from the 'rents. Weekends are tricky... Saturday means a trip to the grandparents house, deep-fried chips-a-plenty. Sunday is a roast dinner. But my Dad is away this weekend, so there's a possibility I can avoid the roast... And I might claim I'm not hungry on saturday. Although, that was my excuse last saturday... Eek. Illness? I'll go with that. I feel pretty ill today.
All I need to do now is find a way to sleep with my eyes open...
PS. He is so devastatingly beautiful and amazing. How could I possibly match that? No wonder he cut me out...
No comments:
Post a Comment