Ain't got no fight left...

Issues with family...

It brings out all the emotion in me that I never knew I had. I cried loads this evening. I got so angry that I cut and did angry exercise.

All this stuff makes me want to eat even less. It makes me want to loseloselose and be so skinny that people don't recognise me, that I disappear.

My mum keeps saying how worried she is about my quick weight-loss. I've only lost about a stone since I started restricting, it's not even noticable. Sure, I've gone up a belt notch, but I'm not a skeleton yet. She said she's worried I'll lose more. I'm not even a size ten yet, I have bags of weight to lose before I can stop. If I can stop. Right now, I never what to stop.

I hate things being this way. I hate feeling like this. I know it makes my appetite disappear, but I hate seeing my mum cry, and I hate that I've had to give up my future for her. But I had to give it up, I couldn't leave her on her own...

God, I'm such a fatty. Today has been: Rice cake (27), coffee with sweetner (7), soup-in-a-mug (43), coffee with sugar (15), cereal bar (88) - which adds up to 180. But my mum made some couscous, and I had to eat a few mouth fulls infront of her to show her that I was eating something, so that's tipped me over to about 250/300. Darn.

Hmm...I'm blogging because I can't sleep. I had next to no energy all day, and all the emotion expended this evening has zapped whatever energy remained. I'm nackered, but I can't sleep. And I have to get up at 7:50 tomorrow morning. Doesn't sound early, but I've been sleeping 'til about 10ish and getting up at midday for the last three months. So 7:50 is early as fuck.

There'll be more tears tomorrow, I know it.

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